Life then and NOW...not much of a 3 year difference

Rhonda: Was going through some old emails...

How are we different from when we exchanged the msg below? How are we the same?

Begin forwarded message:
From: keyea  Date: May 7, 2009 11:26:49 AM EDT
To: Rhonda

Hey girl,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been battling some demons of my own and I will admit it is very hard. I cried while I was reading your letter because I guess it made me realize that we all have our own set of problems and at times we do feel like no one can understand and we are all alone. I'm glad you sent that email i've done a lot of thinking.

Yesterday I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show on my way to work and they had this lady on talking about "love" and how the opposite of love is not hate but selfishness which I think may be true. I guess I finally see your point about not wanting to be alone. We all want to be adorned and loved, not just because we crave it but because it's needed; it sustains our existence. Maybe that is why you held on to Hez (some one better will love you, be patient) . Maybe that is why "who knows" you may go back to him. Maybe this is why I'm hurting the way I am. Losing love is painful and not feeling love or loved is also painful. It makes you question your physical/mental/ and emotional state. I continue to look at my weight as being the reason why I can't be loved or why I don't feel worthy enough but this is not fair to me.

I often hear people say you first need to start off by loving yourself and my response " I'm trying" I find that to be a very difficult task. It is not easy to accept myself for what I am in this present time because I'm not happy...with myself and that makes it hard for me to love not only myself but others because I'm constantly looking for flaws. I believe that love and peace are connected in some way. I want peace in my life but I first need to learn how to love with out questioning.

Your mother appears to have been your love and peace. One of the only people in your life that loved you unconditionally, no strings attached. And while you may never receive love like that again Love is waiting...it's not going to be easy and while your walking around Boston feeling unLOVEd (because that's all being invisible is) focus on the idea of love...it's all around you. People that come in contact with you on a daily basis can love you without you even knowing. Think about a stranger you've seen or said hello to and three years later you still think about that initial encounter. You seem to be used to being hurt and that's why you have that force field up.

I pray that you will be able to get some sleep, I hope the hurt will go away. It's going to take time anywhere from 6 months to 6 years. Be understanding, kind, and  patient to yourself.