The Hardest Part

The hardest part was letting go and not taking part, this was the hardest part...

This is a line from Coldplay's "The Hardest Part" This line sums up the ball of emotion that's been rolling back and forth in my body between my head and my chest cavity...forcing my lungs to swell and me to fight for oxygen, forcing my head to feel confused. I finally had to decide enough is enough, no more allowing myself to become comfortable in calmness.

When my husband and I are at peace (no arguments) then I begin to feel like our marriage will be ok, that is until...another woman pops up and it's almost always NOTICEABLE. My husbands behavior changes and he goes into denial, and then all of a sudden I become insecure because I question his the change in routine.

March 5 (my daughter's 5 birthday) my goal is to be living with her in our own home. My goal is to have mental peace, my goal is to be happy and live the way I always wanted to, traveling, coming home to a clean house, taking laughing whole heartily, exercising FOR ME, LIVING! I'm fighting for it now and lord knows it's not easy, far from it.

I cut my spending (traumatically). I need to prepare for living in a one income household. I've committed to working out at LEAST 3x a week for now and I will increase it over time. I've committed to physically looking my best everyday (b/c I'm worth it). I've committed to cooking all meals instead of ordering out, I've also committed to tackling all of those things that leave me in fear (being alone, overweight, in debt, and unhappy)....this seriously feels like the fight of my life...but I'm excited. I love feeling like I'm walking towards something BETTER!

PEACE feels so much better. The crazy thing is I don't even blame my husband I blame myself b/c I knew he was not faithful. In the 7 years that we have been married I have spoken to 6 different women who've either been in a relationship with him or on the verge of starting one. Can I really blame him? After the second one it became my fault for staying. Some of my friends/family wonder why I'm not angry and I don't want to hold on to anger, it's a waste of time and it changes NOTHING! My husband and I are actually friends, I like laughing and talking with him.

When it comes to love, I'm worth so much better. The love I have to offer is amazing and unfortunately, my husband is no longer aloud to be involved in my life that way. This love will go to someone who loves me more than I think I love myself (if that makes any sense)!

Today I will continue to work for better! PEACE = Better Life!