Life then and NOW...not much of a 3 year difference

Rhonda: Was going through some old emails...

How are we different from when we exchanged the msg below? How are we the same?

Begin forwarded message:
From: keyea  Date: May 7, 2009 11:26:49 AM EDT
To: Rhonda

Hey girl,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been battling some demons of my own and I will admit it is very hard. I cried while I was reading your letter because I guess it made me realize that we all have our own set of problems and at times we do feel like no one can understand and we are all alone. I'm glad you sent that email i've done a lot of thinking.

Yesterday I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show on my way to work and they had this lady on talking about "love" and how the opposite of love is not hate but selfishness which I think may be true. I guess I finally see your point about not wanting to be alone. We all want to be adorned and loved, not just because we crave it but because it's needed; it sustains our existence. Maybe that is why you held on to Hez (some one better will love you, be patient) . Maybe that is why "who knows" you may go back to him. Maybe this is why I'm hurting the way I am. Losing love is painful and not feeling love or loved is also painful. It makes you question your physical/mental/ and emotional state. I continue to look at my weight as being the reason why I can't be loved or why I don't feel worthy enough but this is not fair to me.

I often hear people say you first need to start off by loving yourself and my response " I'm trying" I find that to be a very difficult task. It is not easy to accept myself for what I am in this present time because I'm not happy...with myself and that makes it hard for me to love not only myself but others because I'm constantly looking for flaws. I believe that love and peace are connected in some way. I want peace in my life but I first need to learn how to love with out questioning.

Your mother appears to have been your love and peace. One of the only people in your life that loved you unconditionally, no strings attached. And while you may never receive love like that again Love is waiting...it's not going to be easy and while your walking around Boston feeling unLOVEd (because that's all being invisible is) focus on the idea of love...it's all around you. People that come in contact with you on a daily basis can love you without you even knowing. Think about a stranger you've seen or said hello to and three years later you still think about that initial encounter. You seem to be used to being hurt and that's why you have that force field up.

I pray that you will be able to get some sleep, I hope the hurt will go away. It's going to take time anywhere from 6 months to 6 years. Be understanding, kind, and  patient to yourself.

Les Brown; Live Full Die Empty

"Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is the judgement that what you want is more important than your fear"

-Brainstorm and not be intimidated

- What is it that will make it worth it to you?

-What is it that will make it for you, when you want to give up?

-When life knocks you down try and land on your back b/c if you can look up you can get up!

The Hardest Part

The hardest part was letting go and not taking part, this was the hardest part...

This is a line from Coldplay's "The Hardest Part" This line sums up the ball of emotion that's been rolling back and forth in my body between my head and my chest cavity...forcing my lungs to swell and me to fight for oxygen, forcing my head to feel confused. I finally had to decide enough is enough, no more allowing myself to become comfortable in calmness.

When my husband and I are at peace (no arguments) then I begin to feel like our marriage will be ok, that is until...another woman pops up and it's almost always NOTICEABLE. My husbands behavior changes and he goes into denial, and then all of a sudden I become insecure because I question his the change in routine.

March 5 (my daughter's 5 birthday) my goal is to be living with her in our own home. My goal is to have mental peace, my goal is to be happy and live the way I always wanted to, traveling, coming home to a clean house, taking laughing whole heartily, exercising FOR ME, LIVING! I'm fighting for it now and lord knows it's not easy, far from it.

I cut my spending (traumatically). I need to prepare for living in a one income household. I've committed to working out at LEAST 3x a week for now and I will increase it over time. I've committed to physically looking my best everyday (b/c I'm worth it). I've committed to cooking all meals instead of ordering out, I've also committed to tackling all of those things that leave me in fear (being alone, overweight, in debt, and unhappy)....this seriously feels like the fight of my life...but I'm excited. I love feeling like I'm walking towards something BETTER!

PEACE feels so much better. The crazy thing is I don't even blame my husband I blame myself b/c I knew he was not faithful. In the 7 years that we have been married I have spoken to 6 different women who've either been in a relationship with him or on the verge of starting one. Can I really blame him? After the second one it became my fault for staying. Some of my friends/family wonder why I'm not angry and I don't want to hold on to anger, it's a waste of time and it changes NOTHING! My husband and I are actually friends, I like laughing and talking with him.

When it comes to love, I'm worth so much better. The love I have to offer is amazing and unfortunately, my husband is no longer aloud to be involved in my life that way. This love will go to someone who loves me more than I think I love myself (if that makes any sense)!

Today I will continue to work for better! PEACE = Better Life!

Accountability

I need to hold myself accountable. I got married at the age of 23 a few months after graduating from college. We married on Valentines Day, 2005. I remember that day well b/c I remember feeling like I did not want to go through with it but at that time I felt like I really did not have anything to lose, little did I know, nothing can sometimes be equal to everything. That rainy Valentine's day I we walked into a Baltimore courthouse and as soon as we the clerk said we were next, I remember crying non-stop, I could barely see through all of the tears. My husband try to console me but I had this feeling that I now refer to as my gut instinct. Besides my family not being present or even knowing that there middle child who was off in Maryland living by herself was about to get married I knew this was not the right decision but went along with it anyway.

This was the start of 8 years of infidelity. I learned of the first three women in my first month of marriage the rest would appear throughout the years. I like to think of them as stupidity reminders. To think this man would stop cheating me is plain stupid on my part.

I have created this blog as a way to hold myself accountable to my emotional, mental, and physical well-being. I no longer feel my husband is to blame for the way I feel, why? Because I know who he is and in knowing this I understand that he cannot be with just one woman at this time in his life. If I want happiness I need to develop the type of strength that will allow me to walk away. I feel like I've been holding on to this fantasy that he would just stop messing around and realize that he loves his life with me and our 4 year old daughter.

I'm learning marriage cannot be forced nor can the desire for one to be faithful, it's either there or it isn't. So since getting married I have gained 75lbs, my finances are screwed up, and I lost my happy. This blog will detail my fight to regain control over my life. I want to move out of the apartment my husband and I share by the beginning of March and I want to lose the 75lbs, in addition to cleaning up my finances. Ayyyyyyyyyye! What a journey, but one definitely worth taking.