Accountability

I need to hold myself accountable. I got married at the age of 23 a few months after graduating from college. We married on Valentines Day, 2005. I remember that day well b/c I remember feeling like I did not want to go through with it but at that time I felt like I really did not have anything to lose, little did I know, nothing can sometimes be equal to everything. That rainy Valentine's day I we walked into a Baltimore courthouse and as soon as we the clerk said we were next, I remember crying non-stop, I could barely see through all of the tears. My husband try to console me but I had this feeling that I now refer to as my gut instinct. Besides my family not being present or even knowing that there middle child who was off in Maryland living by herself was about to get married I knew this was not the right decision but went along with it anyway.

This was the start of 8 years of infidelity. I learned of the first three women in my first month of marriage the rest would appear throughout the years. I like to think of them as stupidity reminders. To think this man would stop cheating me is plain stupid on my part.

I have created this blog as a way to hold myself accountable to my emotional, mental, and physical well-being. I no longer feel my husband is to blame for the way I feel, why? Because I know who he is and in knowing this I understand that he cannot be with just one woman at this time in his life. If I want happiness I need to develop the type of strength that will allow me to walk away. I feel like I've been holding on to this fantasy that he would just stop messing around and realize that he loves his life with me and our 4 year old daughter.

I'm learning marriage cannot be forced nor can the desire for one to be faithful, it's either there or it isn't. So since getting married I have gained 75lbs, my finances are screwed up, and I lost my happy. This blog will detail my fight to regain control over my life. I want to move out of the apartment my husband and I share by the beginning of March and I want to lose the 75lbs, in addition to cleaning up my finances. Ayyyyyyyyyye! What a journey, but one definitely worth taking.